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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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Tool - Lateralus (I listened to this over and over again) |
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"Y dije, 'Quiera, Amor, quiera mi suerte porque nunca duerma yo si estoy despierto y que si duermo que jamas despierte'"
-- Don Francisco de Quevedo Villegas
"And I said, "Want, my Love, want my luck because if I wish never to sleep and that if I sleep that dream not'"
That quote will stick with me forever. I'm not quite sure why but it will. I haven't written in forever. Partially because I have not had time to write, partially because I have been afraid to write. Why am I afraid? Because sometimes I think that if I let people into my head and into my heart that they will only tear me apart, slowly, piece by piece. What I think is true in too many cases. I let people in and they wreak havoc and all hell until I find myself here, in front my computer, crying, and not knowing why I am. Maybe my emotions are the affects of the oncoming Aunt Rose, maybe they are true thoughts, I do not know the difference. Why, why am I writing at 4AM in the morning? Anxiety, incapability to sleep, and the little voice in my head that keeps waking me up. He whispers softly to me... "Are you alright? Did they hurt you? He is here... he will protect you. Don't worry ma'm. Nothing's going to happen to you. He will protect you. He will hold you..." and things of that sort. Who is He? I assume He would be my Love, my Protector, but I cannot be for sure. Dreams lie to me. The voices in my head lie to me. They all once told me that I was an ugly child, meant be unloved, never to be told of her beauty. I was never an ugly child, I just had low self-esteem. I did not believe in myself and all that I was capable. How many horrible things did I do to myself to be told I was beautiful? How many times did I try to kill myself, mentally, physically, emotionally? Anything that would push me closer to death was what I wanted. I hated myself, for what I did, for who I was, and because I could not accept that I had the potential to be an incredible person. I know better now. My friends, my Love, they have shown me the truth. I was slow to listen, but now I am beginning to see. I did not need to hurt myself, I did not need to be the "perfect weight", I did not need to be one of the "popular" people... I just needed to learn to accept myself, to love myself, and to forgive myself and those around me. I have not completely forgiven myself, I have not fully forgiven those around me, and I do not completely accept myself, but I'm making progress and someday I know I will be healthy again. Someday I will be fit and have energy and know that I am truly a great person who does wonderful things and has great potential. Love... it uplifts me... the love from my friends, from my "siblings", the love from my Love, and sometimes even the love from my family. Love and hope is all I have to sustain me sometimes, but it is enough. When I have given my all and am about to collapse, I look to love and hope to hold me up and help me continue on. When the world beats down on my back and demands that which I cannot reward... or puts me down to a level I cannot tolerate, I look to love and hope to not go under. Some would have me believe I am nothing to make themselves something, some would push me in the dirt and steal all that is precious to me, but I will not allow it. I do not accept these people into my heart as I once did. I was more foolish back then, I trusted the world... I let the world into my heart and the world was too much for me, to much for my heart to handle. Now, now I am more careful. I still let people into my heart but I am more choosy now. Sometimes I am tempted to test people, but I refuse to do so... if someone is truly worthwhile, I will let them into my heart and not test them. If I am not sure of their credibilities, though, I remain cautious. A young man who I once despised has recently been showing a more compassionate side... I want to let him and his friend into my heart but I am afraid to. I am always afraid to. There have been a few instances when fear did not come to me... I just let people in and in those instances, I have not been hurt yet. I wish sleep would cast its spell upon me. I wish time would stop so I could attain a full night's rest. I wish the would allow me to sleep with true comfort, with protection and love surrounding me... but it is forbidden. The world does not trust me, my parents have little trust in me... Love would make me safe, help me to sleep well, but the world will not allow it. Sometimes I think the world doesn't want me around...
I feel the sadness of the world. I do not know why... I hear the children crying and screaming in my head... I see their dead, abused mothers... I find the little boy crying asking me why his mother died... What is this horrid place that brings me such sadness? Is this my world? I cry for the little children whose innocence was stolen, for the teenagers who made mistakes they cannot take back, for those who have no hope, no future, and no real reason to live. I have found my life has purpose... but what of the lives of those who cannot find their purpose? What of the people who will not be Martin Luther King Jr, Mahatma Gandhi, or even just a somebody above middle class. What of those people who will live their lives bowing to the rich and famous, only dreaming of such a fate? What of the people who's potential is crushed by society, war, or some other aspect of life? What of the mother or father who cannot feed their children? I wish to help them. I wish I could take all their burden. I want to feel their pain so they do not have to endure it. Shoot me, not him... I want so badly to do something for someone else. To give them life, to save their soul from morale depletion, to make them not fall to the wrath of religion, racism, sexism, or any other form of persecution. In my head, I see these people... the ones who need help... I see them and I reach to them, but I am barricaded in... I am not allowed to help... it pains me so... No, stop, don't hit her... don't kill her unborn child... I wish these thoughts would not haunt me, but they do. I see it. Maybe not everyday, but it is there everyday. A little boy killed because he was out past curfew and he was Palestinian, an abused mother and her unborn child beaten to death, a little girl found raped...
The media exploits these people and to my expense, I see their exploitation, their horrible end, over and over again in my mind. I speak to people... I know some people wish I was dead now... not because they know me... but because I am different. Because I am Asian. Because I'm an athiest. Because I speak freely. Because I choose to love people and hold dearly onto them until I can't anymore.
People have hurt me, events have scarred me, but I must live on, if not for myself then for those around me. Maybe I love too openly, maybe I love too freely, but if I did not do that... would those in need have done what they wished to do? Would that girl have continued to cut herself to try to become skinny? Would that boy have found a favorable method to kill himself? I wonder everyday if I made a difference to any of these people, to the people I love. I never know. "Tis better to have loved and lost then to have never have loved at all" I love people, and I find its better when I love someone and then have them torn away from me then to have never loved them at all. There are a few specific instances I speak of... but if I could go back and change anything, I would have simply found out why they left me... they never said why, but I think, in my heart, I knew. Never again will I confuse love and lust, never again will I let those in who have scarred me before. It is too painful to fall victim to that. I will, however, continue to love and let myself be loved. I will continue to promise my heart to my Love.... I wish not to scare him off by doing so, but I do truly feel that I love him... no one has ever cared for me as he does... I am so afraid of true committment, of being exclusive, of letting someone into my heart completely, but here I am doing those exact things... I am conquering fears I have had for quite some time and releasing many restrictions I once held upon myself. I know that very few things last forever, but can't I at least enjoy them while they last? I feel all I must do is be careful now... careful and wary of the evil that looms everywhere... the evil that steals children's innocence... the evil that possesses people to do horrid things to each other. If I am careful of it, I will prevail. And in prevailing, I hold promise to be a hero someday... in some small way, I hold promise to be a hero. I will never take on the title of "hero" but I will someday perform acts to ascertain its true meaning. That is my goal in life now. Today will be a good day, even without sleep, I will not let anything bring me down. Nothing will bring me down today.
And to you, the reader, have a wonderful day... know that if you are a good person I love you and will accept you into my heart any day (unless you are already within).
Farewell.
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happy
depressed
tired
thankful
sick
quixotic
crazy
ecstatic
pessimistic
drained
sad
bored